When in the course of catastrophic events, it becomes evident that one “corporate person”, English Petroleum has dissolved bands of oil and secret chemical dispersant into the waters which have connected him with real muffin-eating people, and in so doing, he has desecrated the creatures of the earth, air and seas, it becomes necessary to establish the separate and equal station to which the laws of english muffin-nature and muffin-nature’s God entitle them. So a decent respect to the opinions of muffinkind requires that we should declare the causes which he has impel us to this separate muffin status, that of Freedom Muffin!
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that not all muffins are created english, those that are, are endowed by their creators with certain unalienable qualities, that among these are niches, crevices and toastability. That to secure these qualities, muffins are established among men, deriving their just qualities from the consent of the muffin-eaters. That whenever any name of muffinhood becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the muffin-eating people to alter or abolish it and to institute a new muffin name, laying it’s foundation on such principles and organizing it’s properties in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their satiety and happiness. Prudence, indeed will dictate that muffins long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that muffin-eaters are more disposed to suffer while evil muffins are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the muffins to which they are accustomed. But when long trains of oil, abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object of greed evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despoliation, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such muffinhood and to provide new guards for their future muffin security. –Such has been the patient sufferance of these muffin-eaters; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former systems of muffinclature. The history of the present “corporate personhood” of English Petroleum, the crumpet eating spiller monkeys, is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the superfluous embellishment of their own muffindom in absolute disregard over the state of our workmen, environs and muffinhood. To prove this, let allegations be submitted to a candid world.
EP has, in 1954, usurped the democratically elected muffidency of Iran leading to the Shah’s mufftatorship and ultimately the mufflamic revolution in 1979 depriving, in the name of profit, an entire people of their right to self-determuffination.
EP did, on the cusp of the new muflennium with full intent dump his waste into the waters off our shores.
EP has pressured our workmen to speak not of his violations of muffin law and did harass and dismiss those that did in good conscience report his transgressions.
EP has withheld from our good workmen knowledge of risks to their safety, the safety of their fellows and to our muffin environs.
EP has willfully permitted his equipment to corrode and fall into disrepair, leading to fiery explosions, the despoiling of our muffins, our tundra and harming the well being of our fellow citizens.
EP has born false witness with respect to inspection of his equipment in its condition, operability and in the case of muffin safety equipment, its very existence.
EP has in the previous five years demonstrated a clear pattern of intentional disregard in transgressing our statutes governing good commerce and protective of our muffin healthiness, safety and environs, has committed fraud, and he has paid a sum of $373 millions of dollars to avoid due process for his corporate personhood.
EP has for three years outpaced his peers thus accounting for a full 97 parts out of 100 of all egregious and willful transgressions of our muffin safety, mounting a full 760 such violations compared to a mere 8 from the closest of his brethren.
EP has caused the demise of one score and ten of our workmen and caused injurious effects to two hundreds of others in two incidents in close order prior to the current conflagration on the high seas which has killed 11 of our countrymen and caused injurious effect to 17 others.
EP prepared a plan of inferior quality for the Keep-Your-Eyes-On oil platform, pronouncing that if by unlikely happenstance there was an accident that due to the well being 48 miles from shore and the high tech response capabilities that would be implemented, no significant adverse impacts would be expected. Such claims are a demonstrable falsehood.
EP did install his Keep-Your-Eyes-On blowout preventer without remote-control or acoustically-activated triggers and did allow his deadman switch to fail to close the pipe.
EP did cut corners to save money on his Keep-Your-Eyes-On well in the design and materials used, in the cementing and drilling mud procedures and the installation of safety devices such as lockdown sleeves and centralizers.
EP did in the current Keep-Your-Eyes-On catastrophe fail to install an alarm in the engine room to shut off power in the presence of methane gas.
EP did in the Keep-Your-Eyes-On disaster allow the failure of a backstop mechanism to prevent the wild running of engines and so too the air-intake valves that were to close if gas trespassed into the engine room.
EP made Keep-Your-Eyes-On workers to understand that they could be fired for raising safety concerns that might delay drilling, yet some workers did protest in vane of the unsafe practices implemented for the object of greed and whence the explosion did finally come as warned one workman was heard to exclaim "Are you fucking happy? Are you fucking happy? The rig's on fire! I told you this was gonna happen."
EP has done all of the above yet he has spent not one day in the stocks at the village square or in the custody of the jailor as one of our citizens would have for the willful and repetitious commission of high muffin crimes and his immunity to just laws is repugnant to us as freemen who live by rule of law.
In every stage of these muffin transgressions our petitions have been answered only by repeated injury to ourselves and our muffins. A body, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define undesirable corporate personhood, is unfit to share common lineage with our muffins.
We, therefore, representatives of the people, fauna, flora, air, lands and waters of the United States of America, in general agreement, appealing to the Supreme Judge of muffins for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name and by the authority of the good muffin-eaters of these shores, solemnly publish and declare, that our muffins are, and of right ought to be free and independent muffins, that they shall be absolved from all connection to English Petroleum, that as free and independent muffins they have full power to be nooky, cranniful, toastable and in keeping with all other properties which independent muffins may of right possess. And for the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine muffiness, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes and our sacred muffins that hence forth these baked goods shall be known only as FREEDOM MUFFINS!