Why aren't we Trumpeting Voter Fraud!?

Courtesy of the Burlington Area Progressives, the following is a guest editorial by Cayman Island based vulture capitalist Rich Whiteman and Republican strategist Juan Percente'

After all the voter suppression efforts by our Republican Party, why aren't we trumpeting "voter fraud!" like bull elephants to provide cover for the war on voting activities as justifiable by the vast leftwing conspiratorial menace? Our challenging, caging and intimidating voters, limiting early voting, making ballots 10 pages long to slow down voting in crowded wards, under-allocating voting machines, making brown citizens stand in line for SEVEN HOURS and denying them chairs and bottled water, these actions by Republicans and our surrogates like True The Vote just look mean, nasty, underhanded and un-American if they can't be squared with the immanent threat of a stolen election and a thwarted democracy. So where are the covering cries of fraud? How the hell are we supposed to justify our photo ID voter suppression scheme if we don't keep screaming real loud!?

Look our ideas suck, our money bombs failed us, demographics are going to swamp us, we sure as hell aren't going to get all hopey changy and adjust to reality, what choice do we have but to suppress oppositional voters? We need to get serious people!


O.K. so here's the deal, in Wisconsin Obama won the election by a mere 205,205 votes, well within the margin for theft so why aren't Republicans making our case? Look, the polls were open for 13 hours on Tuesday, right? And conceivably one dedicated brown lefty fraudster (BLF) could cast an average of one vote per hour. By the way we know that their brown lefties because our efforts to challenge and prevent this scurge of voter fraud always focus exclusively on minority voting districts that vote democratic, so it just stands to reason.

Of course the BLF would have to move to new polling stations and register with different properly forged documents at each location before casting each vote, but that's totally doable! Sure they could just vote under somebody's name who is already registered and save some time, but then at least one of these legit voters would certainly have already voted, would vote later or be known by someone at the poll, which would blow the whole operation out into the open. And if BLFs have one genious (besides music and dance of course) it is the ability to maintain complete operational secrecy with their soul brothers, sisters, hombres and latinas. No reward ever offered would be sufficient to break their loyal bonds and expose their conspiracy. Wait, we have offered substantial and widely publicized rewards for penetrating and exposing this dark conspiracy, yes!? What!!? NO!!??

Well anyway, using a cutting edge analytical technigue called math, we've divided the 205,205 vote margin of victory by 13 hours and found that it would require only 15,785 conspirators in our fair state to accomplish this nefarious crime! To thwart the will the people! (Yeah, you know which people)

We know that minorities already turnout to vote at rates that far exceed those of other groups, right? So how can we doubt the dogged determination of the BLFs to vote not only once, but multiple times? Surely our fair state was being quietly crisscrossed on Tuesday by hoards of BLFs, individually and on busses, (many of them from that notorious BLF enclave, Chicago) secretly  and unnoticed, stealing the election from good and decent people! (Yeah, you know which people)

What we can't figure out is how they always know just how many votes they're going to need to make sure that their herculean expenditure of time, money, effort and resources doesn't fall short. Because even BLFs do not have limitless supplies of those commodities. That's a puzzler we're going to have to work on, but we know there's an answer somewhere, because those BLFs are crafty devils aren't they?

Rich Whiteman - Juan Percente'